Bring on the Humiliation

I used to think that confidence was the most attractive quality about a person. After all, we like being around positive people.
Now I think that humility is the most attractive. Confidence is great, but humility really stands out in a person who is trying to live each day well by putting others first.

That being said, I'm a very proud, lazy and selfish person. I have confidence in my various abilities, one of them being able to write decently enough to let others read what I write. But looking around, I'm definitely not the best out there - not anywhere near the best, either.

I'm ashamed to admit my weaknesses, but not as much as I'm determined to uncover them so that I can replace them with better habits.  Accountability and acknowledging my shortcomings will provide additional motivation for me to change, and I could really use an extra dose of humility every day.

In the past few months (again, I apologize for my absence) I have met some amazing, humble people. Next to them, my little insecurities, pretensions and vague statements are glaring. So I sit and soak it in: the beautiful, simple humility of the person in front of me. No self-conscious stream of thought confusing their speech. No boastful arbitrariness taking up precious time. They are present, in a way that I long to be. They are compassionate, in a way that touches the soul. They are hard-working and dedicated. Most importantly, they have their priorities straight, for that is the nature of humility: God comes first and foremost, and if we do His Will then we will also be loving others correctly.

One of my parish priests speaks often of the dimensions of the Cross, both vertical and horizontal, and how they represent our relationship with God and with others, respectively. These dimensions of relating are ideally expressed in the greatest commandment, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and love your neighbor as yourself" (based on Deuteronomy 6:5, see Matthew 22:37). We cannot have one without the other, because everything that is good flows from God, and any good that we do is by His grace, as well.

So today, I'm praying for clarity: to see my faults and weaknesses for what they are, and the courage and trust to surrender them to the Lord and let Him work miracles in me; for the grace to look outside of myself and give thanks for what is good; for the friendly ear and compassionate touch to humbly, simply, be present in another's life.

If today brings another humiliating experience, or nothing goes as planned, so be it. Bring on the humiliation! Life is too short to give up early.

The Month of Months

May, the blossoming flower of the year, when temperatures rise and spring showers fade away. What a beautiful month it is! It's also the month when my sister and I were born, one year and 51 weeks apart. I am the older sister, though we are often confused for twins or I am perceived as the younger sister. The reason for this is our height difference, small as it is (a mere two inches) and our respective states in life. Today, my beautiful little sister turns 21, as a novice in the religious order of the Dominican Sisters of St. Cecilia. Looking at her, one would think - what happened to me? Still at home, finishing school, still discerning my vocation... and one must realize, that all good things happen in God's time.

May is also a month when we celebrate our mothers, particularly the Blessed Mother Mary who gave her "yes" and brought our Savior into the world in human form. Christ gave us His Mother from the Cross, so now she is the mother of all humankind. Indeed, all the Americas are dedicated to her patronage (though we might want to call it matronage?), the Empress of the Americas, the Queen of Mexico, Our Lady of Cuahtexupe*. Let's pause and think about motherhood.  What does it mean to be a mother?

I'm not a mother, so I can only speak from observation and experiencing my own mother's love.  Some will say that being a mother is just like being family - it's not blood but love that counts. I still think blood counts for something even if a child is adopted by someone else who takes on the role of mother in raising that child. For that reason we have biological mothers and adoptive mothers. But what makes a woman a mother? Carrying a child in her womb, nurturing that child, giving birth, raising a child, loving a child. And yet a mother is more than all these things. I love this quote from the popular Spanish-language film Marcelino Pan y Vino, "A mother gives, Marcelino. Mothers give life to their children, they give love to their families; they always give." Maybe none of us have a perfect mother, but we each have a mother that we can love, whether in this life or in the next.

Perhaps it's that quality of selfless, continual giving that draws me to the idea of motherhood.  Holding a baby in my arms just a few days ago while I was taking care of four little girls, I felt a sense of awe, a glimpse of what mothers must feel. Watching the girls dart about, giggle, laugh, imitate each other, tease me, and come running up for hugs at the end of the day was a beautiful experience. Even when disciplining the girls I felt different, not like an older sister but more like a mother, looking with love on the children she wishes to nudge in the right direction, towards peace and mutual consideration, compassion and forgiveness. I also felt the responsibility to be a good role model for these young children, who naturally observe very closely anything that I do or say. In a way I was grateful for their outspokenness and their curious questions, as they certainly hold me accountable. I thought to myself, this is just the tip of the iceberg, the enormity of what it is to be a mother, day in and day out. I begin to understand more practically what it might feel like to be a mother. Many of my peers are now getting married, are happily celebrating their first pregnancy or the birth of their first child. I watch with joy and wonder as these new lives come into being, marveling at what my friends must be experiencing as new mothers.

Perhaps motherhood is in my future and perhaps not. But I have much to be thankful for today, not the least of which is my lovely mother. She works tirelessly to support our family, rising early to prepare for each day.  She keeps each of us in line and makes sure we feel loved even when we feel hurt or sad. It would certainly be a joy to give her the honor one day of becoming a grandmother, as I know she would be a grandmother the kids would love.  Mom, I love you!

[*And no, that is not a "typo". I learned, some years ago that the name given by the Virgin to Juan Bernardino (St. Juan Diego's uncle) when she healed him was actually a name in the Nahuatl language, meaning "stone serpent crushed" - meaningfully translated, "One who crushes the head of the stone serpent." Biblically speaking, that means the Virgin Mary is the new Eve (cf. book of Genesis), just as Christ is the new Adam, fulfilling the covenant of old and bringing about a new age of the Kingdom of God. It's actually quite fascinating, if you think about all the signs that were presented in the Marian apparitions at Tepeyac and the environs where St. Juan Diego and his uncle lived. When Juan Bernardino spoke to the Bishop and the Spanish soldiers, they thought he was trying to pronounce Guadalupe, and so the name stuck.]

No Need for a National Holiday

It's that time again... that time when the world stops revolving around me, long enough for me to see how beautiful my life is and for me to give thanks.

No need for a national holiday of thanksgiving - no, today I am gratuitously expressing my gratefulness for every person in my life, every ray of sunshine, every sprouting seed and full-grown tree.

While learning a new language is a gradual, challenging process, it opens new opportunities to see the world through different eyes. I can delight in a simple turn of phrase, a word that captures the meaning of something I simply couldn't express as adequately in my native tongue. I can enjoy the feeling of pronouncing a word that has a different sound than what I am accustomed to making.  I can appreciate a wholly different system of grammar, structure, and style of speaking that reflects the values and lifestyle of the people who speak that language.

Lent has been quite the learning experience, thus far. Sticking to Lenten resolutions requires a certain frame of mind that is focused on the other, and not the self. I am grateful for the redistribution of activities this endeavor has allowed, so that I may devote myself further to prayer and the service of others. When I think about it, it is really they who are enriching my life.  Choir, teaching music, helping friends with little things, giving alms, going the extra mile - yep, giving is better than receiving. The more I give of myself, the more room I have in my life to share with others. How simple! How profound!

The new faces in my life belong to some pretty special people. "Special," because they are sharing their lives with me, as well as their knowledge, talents, and wonderful personalities. And my, are these people talented! More opportunities for learning...

Also, I've come across some really great inspirational reading material lately. From So Worth Loving, an independent clothing line aimed at empowering people and reminding them of their inherent dignity, to Made in His Image,  which has a blog focused around the daily struggles of people with eating disorders (and so much more than that), to Letters to John Paul, a collection of messages from a mom to her newborn son that chronicle his early days, I have found so much to laugh, cry, smile and think about on the Internet alone. My heart has been touched - my life has been changed.

Mulieris Dignitatem, a beautiful apostolic letter from the late (Blessed) Pope John Paul II, has also affirmed my personal concept of self-worth and given me a deeper understanding of who I am called to be. Please give it a read and realize that you are loved beyond all shadow of doubt, beyond your insecurities and dissatisfaction with yourself. God knows who you are and He loves you infinitely and unconditionally. Rejoice; I say again, rejoice!

Life is too short for giving up and giving in; live well and prosper, my dear friends.

Going on Hiatus

Dear readers,
     I apologize for my absence this past month... I've simply been so busy living that my thoughts and reflections never made it to this page! Rest assured, I have been well.

Welcome to 2013!
A new year, full of anticipation for what awaits us. The Good Lord always has something good in store.

     Well, I have a confession to make. I really detest New Year's resolutions. It is my understanding that few people take them seriously beyond the first couple weeks or months of the year, and few undertake steps that will help them to achieve their often-too-unrealistic goals. I prefer daily resolutions, daily conviction, daily conversion.

     This is not to say that one should not make short- and long-term goals, but let them be SMART. I saw a similar post from my friends at Verily Magazine a couple weeks ago, applying this model to New Year's resolutions. So although the application is not original to me, I became familiar with the model firsthand in my studies in health science. Goal-setting is important no matter what your background is. Here's the breakdown:

S = specific. Make your goal narrow, because breaking things into chunks makes them easier to tackle. Describe exactly what it is that you want to begin, end, change, improve, increase or decrease.

M = measurable. Pick something that you can measure, and choose an indicator, or a way that you will measure it. For example, doing something vs. not doing it, for how long, how many times, what frequency, etc.

A = achievable. Start small. Choose something that is within your reach, taking into account the above qualities and your baseline. Make yourself accountable to someone else who can help you achieve your goal.

R = relevant. Does your goal/resolution fit in with who you are? Is it realistic? Try to make goals that are not too drastic of a change from where you are now, goals that will help you become truer to yourself and your dreams. Think about direction.

T = time-bound. Give yourself a set period of time in which to complete your goal. If necessary, set dates for intermediate steps as well, or intervals for doing things or checking progress, depending on what your goal is.

     I bet you are all wondering what I will be doing this year, especially given the lack of posts until February! I made a significant decision at the beginning of this year that may surprise you. Before I tell you what that decision is, let me first tell you a story.

     Some years ago, I met a young lady from Ohio during a visit with the Carmelite Sisters (of the Sacred Heart of Los Angeles). She was wearing the Claddagh, so I asked her how long she had been wearing it - when a woman wears the ring a certain way, it indicates that her heart is taken. The lady told me that back in Ohio, she has a tight-knit group of Irish Catholic friends, who have taken up the custom of being single for a year - that is, giving up dating and focusing on their relationship with God instead, for a whole year.  This was not just some kind of penitential practice, but rather a refreshing renewal of the ultimate relationship. I nodded, smiled, and thought no more of it.

     Suddenly, a couple days before January 1, I remembered that encounter. In light of my recent graduation from college and thus the beginning of a new chapter in my life, I realize that I have something to offer the world. My spiritual director had also told me to concentrate on school until I graduated, and afterwards begin discerning my vocation again in earnest. So this is what I decided to do: I'm taking this year to be "Single for the Lord".

     What does this mean? No dating, in my first year of being otherwise "single and available". Shocker, right? Isn't this the prime time to look for a spouse, you ask? Maybe. I feel called to go against the grain, however. I am searching for a deeper, higher call from God; I am going to look for my spouse on my knees. And if this spouse that God is calling me to love is Jesus Himself, what joy shall fill my heart!

     Some of you may know that I have a sister who has taken vows as a novice with the Dominican Sisters of St. Cecilia, and she is so happy in her new life that she wishes that I may share that same happiness. She is very encouraging, if I should have a religious vocation, and I am grateful for her prayers. I would appreciate yours, as well, dear readers.

     Some other notes for the new year...
I am teaching violin as a private instructor again, something I thoroughly enjoy. There are so many different methods of teaching and various techniques for playing the instrument, and I also feel enriched by the interaction with my students.
I feel compelled, now more than ever, to take an active role in speaking up for children in the womb, and other vulnerable populations whose lives are threatened by the law of the land and the corruption of organizations that promote killing. Last month, I had the grace to attend and participate in the Walk for Life West Coast in San Francisco, CA with over 50,000 people.

     2013 is going to be all about the Culture of Life. In order to build up this culture and promote Life/prevent death, it will be important to encourage chastity, moderation, prayer, and healthy lifestyles. Look forward to more posts on what it means to have dignity as a human person (anecdotes included), roundups of inspiration, reasons to live better, and celebrations of Life. God bless you all!