Gymnastics

Okay, so I haven't officially trained in gymnastics or anything beyond a one-day free pass experience when I was, oh, say 8 years old? - but my own sister competed in gymnastics in high school, which was a fun time. I used to love watching her artistic movements on the balance beam (her best event).  So graceful, fluid and poised. Needless to say, I wish I had that sort of confidence - but what I am speaking of here is more of the abstract nature. When I say I've been doing gymnastics lately - I mean that my heart has been stretching, leaping, wavering, and falling.

The human psyche sure is fascinating. I've heard it said, "The furthest distance in the world is from the head to the heart." Now I begin to see the truth of that statement - when I'm overwhelmed with emotion and logical arguments are devouring each other in my head.  It's amazing what I will give up or forget to maintain when my heart is in pain - such as eating or sleeping - and the reasons that I construct for denying myself certain comforts or distractions, such as this wonderful blog. Again, I apologize to my readers for not being here.

To a certain extent, I wonder how much of my physical pain is related to a sort of "cramping" from emotional gymnastics. There is such a thing as psychosomatic conversion, when physical symptoms appear with no known physical cause, such as painful sensations, blindness, loss of sensation in a limb, and so forth.  The theory behind it is that severe emotional trauma can produce adverse physical symptoms in a phantom manner; that is, the stress manifests itself as a physical disease, when other disease indicators are not present. I studied this in my abnormal psychology class a couple years ago.  I have experienced, in combination, tremendous physical and emotional pain these past few days. I hope all that crying has rid me of plenty of troublesome cortisone, however I know that science cannot explain everything for me, and why would I want to reduce myself to a physiological description, anyway?

My Italian pen pal once told me at the beginning of our correspondence that I seemed to be a very genuine person, which to him was a rare sort of person. I do not pretend to like myself very much, but then again that is the war between the spirit and the flesh.  In short, I am beginning to see how people become cynical when they ignore their hearts and run from feelings, and how bitterness can develop under those circumstances.  I am beginning to realize how all the clichéd statements I read and heard during my life until this moment are truly deep experiences that have become trivialized in their description in the language.
Falling in love was the same way.  I was in a constant state of wonder.  Then I was in a constant state of pain.  And sometimes, they both occur at the same time. It makes me think of a quote from a film version of the story of a governess named Anna and the King of Siam, "Who would ever choose such exquisite pain?"
Let me just say in conclusion: I would. After all, life is too short to die, without having lived and loved.